"Notice of Eviction From Fruit Company Holdings Property"
Today's continuation of the Hey.com In-App Purchase drama in the form of a widely-circulated response from Apple (and a Phil Schiller interview) inspired me to write a slightly different version of Apple's response letter:
Attention, Residents of Apartment #428:
We are writing to inform you that your appeal of our decision to evict you from The Orchards at Calabazas Creek (hereby referred to as “The Properties”) has been denied. Our investigation has uncovered clear and repeated violations of the Terms of your Lease Agreement that fully justify our decision to terminate your residency at The Properties. We have itemized your violations below:
Item 3, Section 1, Subpart 1 - Pet Weight Restrictions:
Per your Lease Agreement, you are allowed to have one dog in your apartment home at any given time. In addition, that dog must be subjected to regular weight-checks to ensure compliance with our strict 35lb weight limit. At last weigh-in, your dog weighed 42lbs, and as such is in violation of your Lease Agreement.
Item 3, Section 1, Subpart 3(a) - Pet Weight Restrictions by Breed:
Certain breeds of dog may be exempt from the weight restrictions listed in Item 3, Section 1, Subpart 1. Exempted breeds include (but are certainly not limited to) Golden Retrievers, Australian Shepherds, Yellow Labs, Black Labs, German Shepherds, Great Danes, Siberian Huskies, Alaskan Malamutes, full-sized Poodles, and other large breeds subject to an additional $20 per-pound-per-month surcharge. As your dog is a Golden Doodle and not included on the above list (and you have declined the large breed surcharges), you will not be granted an exception to the aforementioned weight limit.
Item 3, Section 1, Subpart 3(b) - Apartment Guests:
Per your Lease Agreement, guests may visit your apartment without prior written approval of The Properties provided they are residents at another Fruit Company Holdings property. However, guests in your apartment unit who do not meet this criteria must sign-in at one of the Guest Registration Kiosk located in each apartment building. You have instead been logging your visitors on an individual basis and sending them to Fruit Company Holdings via unapproved channels. This is a clear violation of your Lease Agreement.
Next Steps:
To resolve these issues and reacquire ownership of your apartment unit (and the personal belongings therein), please refrain from violating the Lease Terms itemized above (as well as the many other items delineated in your lengthy Lease Agreement).
There are a number of ways that you could revise your behavior to adhere to these Terms. For instance, you could reduce the number and/or amount of daily feedings your dog receives to encourage rapid weight loss — thereby adhering to the 35lb weight limit. Alternatively, you could re-home your dog in any of our cities’ local animal shelters and acquire a new dog from the list of weight limit-excepted breeds (or perhaps keep no pet at all) in order to be in compliance with the above Terms. Lastly, you could have your guests sign in to your apartment building using the approved Guest Registration Kiosks — or choose to not entertain guests for the duration of your Lease.
We are here as a resource as you explore these or other ideas to return to compliance with the terms of your Lease Agreement.
Thank you for being a resident of the Orchards at Calabazas Creek. We understand that you have been a resident of a Fruit Company Holdings property for over eight years, and have been diligent in paying your monthly rent on time. That said, you have opted out of our Deluxe Cable Subscription Package valued at $40/month, and have avoided any infractions that would have allowed us to seize your deposit in the last eight years of your tenancy. We are happy to continue to provide you with mediocre housing at slightly-above market prices — so long as you follow and respect the the same Lease Terms that all Fruit Company property residents must follow.
We hope to assist you moving back into a forever-home at the Orchards at Calabazas Creek.
Sincerely, Fruit Company Holdings, LLC